Gap Year vs College: My Decision

Growing up, when I pictured choosing a college to attend, I thought I’d know. I thought I’d walk onto the beautiful campus of large brick buildings and a sunlight quad full of happy students and think “This is the place for me.” I thought I’d find the perfect place as soon as saw it.

Spoiler alert: that wasn’t at all what happened.

My college search began in the fall of my junior year when we took the long trek up into Maine to a school where the biggest boast was that they had the last stoplight until you reached Canada. Although the school had seemed great on paper, as soon as we drove into the area, I knew this wasn’t the place for me.

This happened many more times throughout my junior year. In the end, I had visited around seven colleges and never once had “that feeling.” The feeling of butterflies, flapping and fluttering around in my stomach with excitement. A pull in my chest. The feeling of sparks all over my skin as goosebumps rose.

I visited and toured and searched and waited but got nothing in return. And my time was limited. I left for England in September of my senior year, meaning I would have no time to tour other schools before applications were due. This meant that applying to a school I hadn’t seen would be a big risk (and a waste of application money).

This left me discouraged.

That fall, I made the decision that I wouldn’t be going to college the next year. Instead, I’d be taking a gap year. I had it all planned out; I’d work for half the year and travel for the rest, touring more schools in between until I finally found the one that was right for me.

Still, I found myself on the Common Application, entering all my information, extracurriculars, and requesting references from my teachers. Everyone had told me to, from my parents, other students, and guidance counselors. I thought of it as a fail-safe. There were a few schools that I still liked enough, despite not getting that feeling, and there were a few more “reach” schools that I hadn’t toured since I didn’t want to risk falling in love with a school I might not be accepted to.

So I started my applications, although my heart wasn’t in it.

This became a bit of an issue, as I didn’t have the motivation to work on all the essays that were due. I was focused on enjoying my time in England, making new friends, and traveling around a new country. Why should I worry about college if I didn’t intend on attending the next year? Of course, I still got everything done, but not exactly to the quality I would have liked, which I seriously regret (Take your applications seriously kids!!)

I returned to America in the winter, when the college acceptances started trickling in for the seniors of my school. I waited and waited, refreshing my email over and over for months, hoping I’d get something about a college admission decision. When I did start getting acceptances, I wasn’t sure how to feel. I felt happy that I had managed to get into some great schools, but also, the thought of going to college freaked me out. It didn’t feel real. Partly due to the fact that I had been pushing away the thought of college, daydreaming about all the things I’d do on my gap year (au pair in Germany, learn a new language, volunteer in a developing country, visit my friends in England, etc). I’d been so focused on a fantasy year away that I had almost forgotten the reality of graduating.

On top of that, I had another potential issue: I wasn't sure if I really liked the colleges I applied to anymore. When I first began my college search, I was looking for small liberal arts schools, the smaller the better. The thought of going to a big school with over 30,000 kids freaked me out, so I capped my school size at 2,000. But then I left for England and discovered how great, big, and diverse the world is. I realized that maybe a small school would be too stifling to me. Maybe I'd rather go to a mid-sized school, where there'd be more people to meet and get to know. But it was already too late. My applications had been sent in, with the biggest student body size being my safety school at only 3,000.

I went back and forth with myself. Did I still want to go to these schools? Should I start my search all over again? Did I really waste hundreds of dollars on applications for schools I wouldn't even like?

The last semester of my high school career was spent dealing with the stress of the future looming over me. Everything seemed so hazy and unclear to me. I wasn’t sure where I’d be going in the fall.

I essentially had set three options for myself. I could: a) go to one of the colleges I'd been accepted to, b) defer from one of these, take a gap year, then go to that college next year, or c) take a gap year and apply to completely different schools for the next year.

On top of that, if I did decide to go to college or defer from one, that meant I had to actually pick one of the schools I had been accepted to. I was lucky enough to get accepted into five schools. I had been rejected by my two reach schools, but I can’t complain since they both only accepted around 12% and I hadn’t gotten my hopes up. I organized my selection to try and aid my decision. My safety school had come to be the cheapest, as I’d get in-state tuition and a scholarship but it was the school I was least interested in. The other four schools were all private schools out of state, so these I organized by how much each school gave me in scholarships and grants. While the lower price tags drew me in, I knew I couldn’t choose a school just because it was less expensive than the rest. There were so many other factors I needed to look at the distance from home, campus quality, program offerings, job prospects, etc.

I decided that I would wait until I attended the accepted students day of the schools before I made any final decisions. But until those days came in April, I spend lots of my free time on college websites, researching and making pro and con lists. From this alone, I was able to rule out one of the four schools after I decided it didn’t have all the programs I was interested in (going in undecided for a major made this process even more complicated as I needed a school that covered a large variety of my interests).

All these options spun around in my brain seemingly all the time. I spent so many of my free 7th period having deep conversations about my options with a couple of my friends, who were already confident in their college decisions. They spoke about the spark they’d felt when they arrived on campus, knowing the school was right for them. I still hoped that I’d get that feeling and everything would be so much easier from then on.

My weekends in April were all occupied by accepted students days. The first one I attended was eight hours away in the middle of Pennsylvania, where I was wined and dined and overloaded with information about the school. As it was so far away, it was my first time on the campus. It was beautiful, with large brick buildings and rolling green space - the very image I pictured in my head of a typical college campus. With great programs, a real feeling of community, and lots of interesting student activities, the school should have been perfect - yet I still didn’t feel right. I remember feeling weighed down on the long drive home, telling my mom how it had been a good experience that I should have loved but I just didn’t. There was just no spark.

I returned to my school the next week still discouraged. Although I still had two more accepted students days left, I felt like I would just have to apply again the following year - a forced gap year due to the fact I hadn’t loved any school I had toured in the past couple years. I remember sitting with my friends in 7th period telling them about my experience while they offered their best advice. One thing that stuck with me was my friend telling me to “follow my heart.” She said that it sounded cheesy but if my heart wasn’t in it, then I shouldn’t compromise for something less. My heart needed to be all in.

I took that advice with me to my next accepted student day at Wheaton College. I had been looking into this school the most because of their generous financial aid package and all the programs and opportunities they offered - they even had fencing and figure skating clubs, two things I’d been begging my mom to sign me up for for years. But there were a few big things that made me nervous. I had visited the school the previous year and it wasn’t quite the campus I had dreamed of, unlike the beautiful Stonehill College I would be visiting the next day for their accepted student event. The surrounding town was residential and known for being very boring, which meant I’d be stuck on campus almost all the time. And finally, the school was very small, less than 2000 kids. While small class sizes still interested me when I first applied, I worried that there would be less on campus opportunities and a smaller variety of people to meet. Would I know everyone on campus by the time I was a sophomore?

While there were only three complaints, these were big factors for me when choosing a school. I went into the students day thinking I’d leave with the same feeling I had the week before in Pennsylvania.

But that's not at all what happend.

Over the course of the day, I learned more about the school, what they offered, and how I would benefit. While it all sounded good, I still didn’t have that “feeling” I’d hoped for. At one point, I’d even considered going home, as I hadn’t been feeling too well that day to begin with. But I pushed through it, knowing that I had so few options left. I still had another accepted students event at Stonehill the next day, the school, while beautiful, didn’t offer everything I had wanted and didn’t give me as much in scholarship as I had hoped. I seemed to have ruled that out in my mind before even attending their event.

So it was between Wheaton or a gap year - both good options, but I wasn’t sure what was the right choice.

If you’d asked me this time last year, I would have said gap year for sure. I have a spirit for adventure and wanted to explore more (as well as work for more money) before I was young and not too in debt from college loans and expenses. But throughout the course of the last five months of high school, I started to see the benefits of going straight to college. I could share the excitement with my friends as we shop for dorm room decorations. I could join clubs and sports that I hadn’t gotten to try before. I could make new friends my age. And I wouldn’t need to keep my minimum wage job scooping ice cream while watching my friends on Instagram have fun on campus.

The last event at Wheaton’s accepted student day was a sort of activities and resource fair. Set up in the large field house, different groups on campus put up tables and displays, happy to tell all of what the school had to offer. There were different academic departments offering papers and information on majors, bribing people to visit with bowls of candy or fun prizes. I quickly filled my bag with pens, stress balls, and notebooks. My mom was tempted to approach a table with a bowl full of chocolate but quickly changed her mind when she saw it was the math department table. Next, we explored the athletics options, advertising the variety of club sports and intramurals. I found myself checking out a bow at the archery table and chatting with the girls of the figure skating club. Finally, we went through the tables with all the club offers, who were eager to tell us about their group (especially the guy running the democrat club who jumped out at me asking “Do you like politics?!” with so much enthusiasm I was caught very off guard)

As we finished our rounds, I noticed a table at the front of the room with a large sign that said: “Enroll here!” I stared at it for a moment, watching as a few brave souls entered their information on a computer. But I was quickly distracted by the sound of music starting to be pumped through speakers. My mom and I joined a gathering crowd in the middle of the room as one of the dance groups on campus started to perform. As I watched, some crazy feeling overcame me - one I’m not sure how to describe. It was as if the reality of college suddenly hit me, not in a bad way, but rather one that overtook me with a mixed feeling of both excitement and nervousness. It wasn’t just an emotion but a physical feeling, as if all the stress that I had hanging over my head just dropped suddenly, washing over my head and shoulders, gathering in puddles at my feet. My heart started to hammer in my chest and my eyes inexplicably started to well with tears.

I thought I was kind of crazy for becoming so overcome with emotion as I watched the dance group perform but I realized that it was the Feeling. Sure, it didn’t come in the way I had hoped - as I step foot onto a beautiful campus and my body fills with joy - but I knew it was what I was waiting for.

I looked back at the “Enroll Now” table and turned to my mom, “Should I do it?”

I took her by surprise. We spent the next half hour talking it over. The thought of actually committing scared me just as much as going home unsure. We decided to take one last walk around the campus as I was so torn. We sat on a brick wall, as I explained how the school seemed to offer everything I wanted and if I didn’t act now, while still high on this sudden feeling of euphoria, I might never do it. It was either enroll or apply to new schools next year.

So I decided to do it. With my mom’s support, we marched back across campus to the enrollment table to bite the bullet. I thought of my friend’s advice, follow my heart, well this was it. I had made up my mind. I filled out the information on a laptop and submitted my deposit. There was no going back now. The ladies working at the table congratulated me and offered to take my picture holding a sign.

I was tired, overwhelmed, and a little shaky, but so so relieved. I couldn’t stop smiling the whole ride home, so glad that the pressure was no longer weighing me down. It was completely unexpected but I was so happy I did it.

My story of choosing a college is a complicated one with lots of ups, downs, twists, and turns. It wasn’t picture perfect like portrayed in movies and tv or told in stories. I didn’t have that “dream school” or the immediate spark as soon as I stepped on campus - but there’s nothing wrong with that. Everyone’s college journey is different. There is no one linear path that everyone takes to find their perfect college. To this day, I still wonder if I made the right decision, but I know that my nerves are normal. College is such a big step and a huge change, it’s gonna be daunting to even the most confident people.

I wanted to write out my story to all those who may feel like me, to show people that everyone has a different story and a different route to take. I am so happy with my final decision and I can’t wait to see where life takes me. For those people who are nervous or undecided like I was, I just want to tell them to follow their heart. Even if they are lead in the wrong direction, they are never completely trapped, they can always transfer, or even take a gap year in between if they feel they need to. It’s your life and your future, so make it your own. Embrace your differences, because no one is going to have the same college experience or journey. Make your own decisions, don’t base them off what your friends or family think because, ultimately, it’s gonna have the biggest effect on you.

The last five months of high school were filled with stress and doubt but when I finally put my foot down and listened to my heart, I found happiness and excitement. College isn’t easy - heck, life isn’t easy! - but don’t let the hard times stop you from following your dreams. I look forward to the next four years, even though I know there is more stress to come. But I also know that this stress won’t last forever. There is always a way through, even if it’s not the path I expected to follow.

Good luck going into your future and don’t be afraid to listen to your heart even if it scares you.

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